by Bernina Cuttlebaum
Say, ladies and fellas! Need a little ice-spiration for those hot, hot days of summer? Well, look no further. Get your significantly hot others off their game and on their knees with these sneaky, sweltering sex tips!
Appletini - In the morning, before leaving the house, put a thin slice of apple in each of your underarms. Not only will the apple pectin help firm and tone your difficult underarm areas, the light scent of apple will drive him (or her) wild!
Deli Loaf - If it looks like rain outside, break out the waxed paper. Won’t she be surprised to see you waiting for her in the backyard, wearing nothing but a waxed speedo!
Mountain Climber - Take two climbing pitons (the ratchet kind, not the old fashion spike & hammer kind), and attach them to the ceiling, not less than twelve feet from your bed. He’ll know what to do!
The Hard Cider - Give in to the urge! Buy a whole bag of ice, fill up the tub with applejuice (trust us on this one), and spend an afternoon getting be-cider-self!
Retail Sex Therapy - Get a book of coupons. Spend the day shopping for things, and at the end, tabulate how much you saved with those coupons. That’s how much love you have in your heart.
A Game of Thongs - Take a long, cold shower and stay in, watching Game of Thrones. Don’t forget the sweats and Funyuns. Sometimes, the the hottest sex is left to the imagination!
The Bare Minimum - Mow the damn yard.
The Deluxe - Roll around in baby oil, then cracker crumbs, then baby oil, then a light vinaigrette, play a game of tag through the hallways, yelling out snippets of sixteenth century poetry at each other (pro-tip: no iambic hexameter in the laundry room, you naughty little thing, you). Leave a trail of knickers and good feelings from the front of the house to the back, and then go for a roll in the grass outside. Bonus points for every place you get fresh grass clippings that you can’t reach! Inside, crank up the old steam engines, if you know what we mean, and have a little balls-out round-the-world race on yachts to settle a gentleman's bet leftover from a Victorian supper club to see which of three gentlemen can surmount the globe in a mere 80 days while challenging the contemporary understanding of human achievement and adventure, if you know what we mean. If you don’t maybe you need some kind of book. We can probably recommend a few, but in this kind of limited space, and with the nouveau-puritanical editorial dictates (heh heh. Dictates.) upon us because of the possibility of loss of audience, we can only surmise you understand the basics, and hope that you actually don’t.
So, if that doesn't get him off the couch and hot on your trail, nothing will! Dump the loser!
As always, darlings, post your questions in the comments below, and, if the gods of beezer smile upon you, I'll give you an answer in next week's column.
As always, darlings, post your questions in the comments below, and, if the gods of beezer smile upon you, I'll give you an answer in next week's column.
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