I've got to publish this before somebody else does, so I own it.

The Gibbs Diet; a simple way to lose up to 30 pounds a week for life!
This is a simple one-step diet. For the first six weeks, and then for the rest of your life, you eat only red meat. It metastacises all the higmoglobulineen in the intestines, which causes the body to shed fat. Believe it or not, you should eat the fattiest, worst cut of meat you can stand, as that's where the densest nutrients are. Yeah.
And, beware of Lamb, which masquerades as red meat, but is actually not. It doesn't count, and you shouldn't eat it. The answer to your weight loss is beef. Pure, grade A (or B) American (Or whatever) Beef. Suppliment this with 2 to 6 gallons of water per day. Never drink less than 2 gallons of water per day. Never EVER drink more than 6.

The New Gibbs Diet, Revised Edition; Lose no weight for six months, and then lose all of it!
This diet is meant to be separate from the previous Gibbs Diet. Do Not Combine These Two! For the first six months, eat nothing but Processed, Refined White Sugar, Straight Out of the Bag. If you become bored with this, you can heat some in a skillet, as a treat, and eat is warm. DO NOT CARAMELIZE THE SUGAR! During this diet, you should exercise as little as possible, and I recommend you not travel, as many people in other places will try to make you eat the local, exotic sugars rather than plain, refined white sugar, straight out of the bag. DO NOT eat brown sugar of any kind, and do not take in any molasses. Remember: you only have to keep this up for six months, which is a tiny slice of time when you consider the eternity you get to spend being thin.
Drink no water. This creates what I call the Kool-Aid Man Effect within the body, as fat collects along the torso and creates an appearance not unlike a pitcher with a face on it. Do not drink water during the time you are eating your (say it with me now) Processed, Refined White Sugar, Straight Out of the Bag.
After six months, you will die, either from malnutrition or from a massive coronary. Then, after death, you will be able to harness the natural "fat digestion" elements of the air to simply melt away the fat. Within as little as 6 to 8 weeks, you will be thinner than you have ever wanted to be. That's a promise.
So remember, that secret is Refined White Sugar, Straight Out of the Bag (tm).

Hell yeah, baby. Now I even got a slogan, and a previous diet, which shows that I am learning as I produce crazy, stupid fad diets.