A Modern Horror RPG

By MisterNihil

First, this isn't a game about combat, it's about storytelling and character. It's a metaphor for the human condition, intolerably executed in a manner in keeping with an adult game. Be warned! This game is not for children. Also, don't really stab people or kill them. That's bad.

Part 1:Character and stuff.
OK, so make up a character with a name. Ooooh. Scary is good. Do real scary stuff, like vampires or ghosts or something. Do all, names and backgrounds or whatever. You can fill that stuff in later. Your character is, like, this person and the other ones are these other people and you FIGHT MONSTERS, or you ARE MONSTERS or whatver. Maybe do, like, Frankenstein from the Monster's Perspective, all tall and green, but do it like the book where he throws the girl down the well, not like that new movie with Al Pachinko. Mary Shelly was all sexy and stuff. She ROxxors, but all victoriana style, like
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Yeah! OK, so now your have your character. Go and do stuff, and then, like, get experience. You don't need numbers or nothin. They detract from the modern horror feel of the game and stuff.
PERSON RUNNING THE GAME ONLY: Ok, so no players are reading, right? OK, so, to make it horror, the bad guy has to be like a bad version of them. Make them be all blacker and nastier than the characters. And make them kill cats. That's evil. And at the end, be all "Oooh. The bad guys was YOU! UR THA 5UXX0RZ! and he's IN THE HOUSE! It was a BLOODY HEAD!" That'll get 'em good.
OK EVERYBODY AGAIN:So, like, when you want to do stuff, use our kewl combat system. It's really kewl, and it makes up for the fact that we have a numberless character system by assigning numbers to a character's stats. Right? Awesome! Let's Go.


OK, Part 2: We didn't want to include a combat system, but here's on just in case. I mean, it's not about combat. Or something.
COMBAT in ten easy and three difficult steps

1. Roll forty six-sided dice, or roll one six-sided die forty times and record each roll.
2. Make a list of the following stats: Strength, Muscle, Brawn, Sleekness, Speed, Beat-Downity, MisterT-ishness, Arm Strength, Leg Strength, and Brains.
3. Assign four dice (or four numbers) to each stat. Add the numbers together, giving each stat a value between 4 and 24.
4. Add Brawn, Muscle, Sleekness and Speed together, take the square root of the Cosine of the resulatant number, round to the nearest whole number higher than thirty, convert to Hexidecimal and record it as Hard-to-Hittedness.
5. Add Beat-Downity, MisterT-ishness, arm strength and Hard-to-Hittedness, cube this number, divide the resulting number's digits, and look on a world map or globe at the coordinates dictated by the numbers there. Convert the name of the nearest city to the point obtained to a number (a=1, b=2, c=3 etc), and record it as "Kikk-Assery".
6. Make a new stat, Tactics, which is equal to smarts.
7. Begin combat by comparing the digit of Pi found by counting down (not counting the 3) to each character's Sleekness+Speed. The character with the lower digit of Pi acts first for ALL COMBAT MANEUVERS.
8. Each character may take one Smith action (see step 9) and one Michigan action (see step 10), or two Michigan actions. Combat rounds pass to the right. See step 11 for Damage.
9. Smith Actions: BeatDown (Compare Beat-Downity to target's Hard-to-Hittedness), Smack (Compare Brawn to target's Hard-to-Hittedness), Kick (compare Speed+Leg Strength to target's Hard-to-Hittedness), Wildcard (compare any two non-Brains traits to target's Hard-to-Hittedness and describe action)
10.Michegan Actions: Whine(compare Sleekness to target's leg-strength), Wildcard (compare any two non-Brains traits to target's Hard-to-Hittedness and describe action), Preen (compare Sleekenss to target's Brains+Brawn+Speed+Beat-Downity)
11.Damage: Every character takes one six-sided die of damage every round to his MisterT-ishness, no matter what. On any successful action, a character reduces the target's MisterT-ishness by the attacker's Muscle. If a character is reduced below 2 MisterT-ishness, that character LOSES!
12.Damage Part 2: If you fail at a Michegan action, you take damage to your MisterT-ishness equal to your opponent's Beat Downity.
13.Go back to step 8. Continue until one character is the LOSER! Lose interest in the game and never play again.

This process must be performed each time combat is required.